Monday, February 11, 2013
BREAKING NEWS! PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL PREDICTS NEXT POPE!
Punxsutawney Phil stuck his head out of his gopher hole again this morning with yet another stellar prediction; Upon hearing the news that Pope Benedict is resigning as Pope to become a spokesman for Pizza Hut Phil went out on a limb and predicted the required gathering of Cardinals will nominate Ellen Degeneres as Pope this time around.
Following on the heels of his predictions of a landslide for Mitt Romney, A Patriots victory in the Superbowl and an early spring just days before one of the biggest blizzards in history walloped the East Coast US Phil seemed confident about this one.
"I think the church will do this as a show of their inner growth." Many consider Degeneres a longshot for the Popedom, citing her lack of male genitals as well as her lesbian lifestyle, both of which are major No No's in the eyes of the Catholic Church.
"I feel good about this one." The little rodent shouted before downing another sixth of Hennigans Whiskey and leaping back into his underground bunker which is rumored to now feature streaming Netflix indicating Phil could care less about leaving for Spring.
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