Thursday, November 24, 2011
My dislike of Thanksgiving is the stuff of legend, and there are a lot of reasons why. Instead of running my annual I Hate Thanksgiving rant here I thought I'd offer some helpful ideas to make the holiday better:
1. Change the location and time of the meal every year-- and invite relatives only by secret ballot. It could be really cool-- you mail them a marble-- white means you're in and black means get yourself a Stouffer's Frozen dinner 'cause you're eating alone. The relatives who get the white marble are sworn to secrecy so that Uncle Richie isn't offended that you didn't want to sit next to him while he chews like a horse and tells his annual Thanksgiving joke.
2. Mix up the meal. It DOESN'T have to be turkey. Lasagna would be a nice change. Maybe Steak and Cheese subs? Why not have some fun with it?
3. If there are enough kids attending that there is going to be a kids table-- set it in a different room and break out the marbles again-- whoever draws the black one has to eat in there with them and keep order. And let the kids freakin' play outside or in the basement-- all the adults should eat while the food is hot then when they're done bring the kids in so they can pretend to eat anything. It's so much better than getting little Jimmie his plate, then sitting him down, then getting him some water, then moving him because he's next to Cousin Richie who eats like a horse and so on--meanwhile your food is colder than Hilary Clinton.
4. Kill the Christmas music. It should not appear before Black Friday.
5. While we're on the subject-- there shall be no discussion of Black Friday-- whether you're working it or fool enough to go out and try and save $20 while you are trampled it is of no concern to the sane among us.
6. Football shall be played on every TV for the entire day.
7. Nagging is not allowed. At the most minor sign of nagging said person is instantly removed and given an early black marble for next year.
These simple steps will ensure a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday!
Posted by Andy Fish at 12:15 AM