ANDY FISH

ANDY FISH is a comic book artist


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Sunday, June 23, 2013

Movie Reviews for Movies I haven't Seen! REDBOX Edition!


REDBOX is ON DEMAND for Hillbillies or those without an internet connection.  They send me coupons CONSTANTLY for rental discounts and continue to lure me in only to find absolutely nothing I'd ever watch.  It's like an episode of the TWILIGHT ZONE, or more likely NIGHT GALLERY because its not quite as good-- where I walk into my DVD collection of some 1000 titles and find they've been switched with the mostly mindless drek that passes for maintstream movies today.

Here are my reviews for these five movies I've never seen:

HANSEL & GRETEL WITCH HUNTERS
After the murder and rape of their mother at the hand of the woodsman, Hansel and Gretel are left orphans who must make their way in a violent apocalyptic fairy tale world.  Along the way they encounter CGI goblins and ghosts one of whom, and absent minded spectre,  befriends them and falls for Hansel-- but their love is short lived when they discover the ghost is actually their own mother!

SNITCH
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is out for justice-- after his son goes to jail for refusing to turn states evidence against a vicious crime family-- Johnson decides to take the family on head on and get the information the cops need to free his son from prison.  Tragedy ensues when Johnson realizes the crime family is run by his own mother, who is actually now an absent minded spectre.

CLOUD ATLAS
Tom Hanks and Halle Berry star in this post apocalyptic thriller featuring Berry as a distraught widow caught up with fake mediums who are trying to convince her they can contact her long dead absent minded husband.  She goes to Hanks for help, who is working as a college professor who secretly never earned a single degree and has to go back to school at night, and to help pay for it he works part time as a supernatural detective.  FAKE SPOILER ALERT:  They break through to the afterlife only to discover that Berry's husband is actually Hank's dead mother.

ABSOLUTE DECEPTION
Keanu Reeves fools the world into thinking his career hasn't ended, while Sandra Bullock admits hers has.  They switch places and attend movie premieres and gala events in cross dressing hilarity all while realizing it took becoming the other person to understand the true meaning of fame and that they actually love each other.   Tragedy ensues when we discover they are actually brother and sister and that they died on the Speed bus years ago and now are ghostly spirits walking the earth in search of Sandra's lost child, who just might be Tom Hanks.

FRANKIE GO BOOM
This laugh out loud comedy from the brilliant duo of Seth Rogan and Seth McFarlane is about a pair of slackers who spend their days getting wasted and realize there is more to life than slacking so they become suicide bombers while trying to adjust to life in Tehran.  Tragedy ensues  when Frankie (Rogan) forgets to include an igniter in his explosive vest so he survives to make the sequel.  The tragedy is for us.

So there you have it!  I've not seen them, but I feel like I did-- because Hollywood just keeps on making the same movies over and over again-- and then  reboots, restarts and remakes them again.  Proving there is no such thing as an original idea in mainstream movies.