ANDY FISH is a comic book artist

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Saturday, December 10, 2011

Movie ReViews for Movies I Will NEVER see; Breaking Dawn Part II Section A

I can't believe people lined up in advance for this piece of shit-- I mean, Hollywood Re-Invents itself with this incredibly moving tear jerker that won't leave a dry eye in the house at least until Breaking Dawn Part II Section E hits theaters next month.

Edward is a beautiful and tragic vampire, but he's not the scary kind of vampire we're used to, he's a delicate and sparkly one who wants only to be with the love of his life, the beautiful and tragic Bell whose afflicted with a small child growing out of her chest.   The two are constantly bickering and life for Bell is particularly challenging because this little person, Tinker, is addicted to Mac and Cheese and we all know Bell is lactose intolerant!

Edward wants to do everything he can for Bell, but he's trapped inside his home because it's daylight and he doesn't want to twinkle and tragically he's still waiting for his home delivery of Chanel's MOUSSE so he dare not venture outside!

They finally meet at midnight when the twinkling is no longer an issue and Edward finds a big hat and it looks like they'll finally be together but Tinker presents a further problem because she's developed a huge crush on Vincent who is a shape shifting guinea pig who is Vampire intolerant-- it gets worse when a freak lightning storm causes a body switch and soon Bell spends all her time in front of the mirror looking at her Edward self and admiring how much prettier she is now.

SPOILERS -- Eventually Tinker dies because Edward forgets to eat and when he hits his menstrual cycle as Bell-- well you can imagine the trouble a vampire would have.

It was tough to hear the ending over the cries and sounds of bon bon wrappers hitting the floor at the same time from the middle aged ladies in the audience-- but I think everyone dies-- at least until the sequel.