ANDY FISH is a comic book artist

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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Happy Birthday to Me! The Beard War

Growing up with a Christmas Birthday I never really understood when people would say "Wow, that must be terrible-- you must get combined presents all the time!"-- it really wasn't bad because it's like a bonus a couple of days after Christmas-- as you get older and birthday's matter less it becomes a non-issue.  Plus I'm enough of a Capricorn to know that I wouldn't be satisfied with any other zodiac sign.  Capricorn fits me to a T.

Worcester Magazine ran it's BEARD ISSUE a few weeks ago, encouraged by my good buddy and fellow artist Bret M. Herholz.  Bret is a dashingly handsome fellow six months out of the year, and the other six he looks like he should be living in a cabin waiting for a female Olympic cross country skier to come by so he can capture him a wife.  Of course, being married he no longer has to steal women, but you get the gist of it.

Now you might think I'm picking on Bret or Beards in general, and I would say whole-heartedly that yes you are right-- a man has a right to revert back to our caveman days if he wants to, but ladies and gentlemen I enter this into my argument, exhibit A.

I'm sure this man is very nice, and I hope this wasn't the last photo he took before he leapt naked out that 3 story window, but I mean, c'mon-- is this the look you want to go for?  I'll say this, the long straggly hair makes the neatly trimmed beard look better.  The combed chest/stomach hair is working too.

Okay, exhibit B;

Possibly THE most handsome man on the planet.   I'll admit, I'm more a George Clooney guy, but I can see why Pitt has his admirers.  AND HE CAN'T CARRY THE BEARD LOOK OFF.  It's a cold hard truth (Morgan Freeman voice here), if Brad Pitt can't look good in a beard nobody can.

Pitt goes from OOH to ECH in the blink of an eye here.

Beards are gross.  They capture scent and food and small children.  They make you look homeless.  They are nearly the equivalent of cementing a pair of sweatpants to your legs and saying to the world "I give up!"   Unless you are Santa Claus or this guy:

Now this is a beard.

you are not able to carry it off.

At the Art Museum Christmas Party someone said to me (and I'm sorry I can't remember who)  "Why don't you like beards, YOU have a beard!"

To which I replied-- "I do?"

Do I have a beard?
I grew a beard once, when I was climbing Mount Washington on a chilly -70 degree below zero day, and I needed it to survive.  The first thing I did when I got down was to shave it off.

Now, since it's my birthday, I am going to restrict any negative comments to only my good friend Mr. Herholz.  The rest of you beard lovers will have to say you agree with me.  Bret, you have the floor.  The volley has been fired across your bow and I salute you as you take aim to return fire.