ANDY FISH

ANDY FISH is a comic book artist


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Sunday, January 2, 2011

10 Shopping Tips

Wal*Mart Demographic Xmas Basket
I find myself at Wal*Mart more often than I care to admit.  Last week I was there the day they were predicting the Blizzard of '10 to come crashing down on us on the day after Christmas and like everyone else on the planet I decided I needed milk.  Since I hate shopping it makes sense to go on a day like that I guess, so if I'm going to do it why not go to Wal*Mart just to make the trip perfect.  They had a good half of their registers open and the lines were no more than 10 deep so it was all good.

Walking around though, it got me looking at people, and I realized that Jerry Seinfeld was right when he said that 90% of the population is a Leper Colony.

Folks, I'm begging you:

1. Sweatpants should be worn only at home when you are ALONE.  The second someone comes over you should change into pants-pants.  Not pajama pants either.  Pants.  You look like a damn fool.
2. Baseball caps should be worn only at Baseball games.  Ditto Football jersey's.  If you aren't playing for the team and you're over the age of Twelve you should buy yourself a grown up shirt.
3. Pants should cover one's underwear at all times.
4. A sleeveless T-Shirt doesn't count as a shirt except at the beach.
5. Your WHOLE family doesn't have to come shopping with you.  It's already busy enough do you really need to bring grandma and the baby?  Couldn't grandma stay home with the baby?  Couldn't you or your significant other stay home with grandma and the baby and some of the kids?  Odds are a few of them are his or hers anyway, and if not what does it matter?
6. Remember, showers AND deodorant.  Clean clothes are nice too.
7. That person you're speaking loudly to on the cell phone can wait until you leave the store.  Trust me, they don't want to talk to you anyway.
8. Running into old friends is great isn't it?  Just stop both your carriages in the middle of the store and catch up-- the rest of us don't mind a bit.
9. The way the register works is you put your stuff on the belt, the cashier rings it up and then gives you a total-- you don't have to wait for this total to get your wallet/EBT card/Credit Card/Check out.  It's okay to get it ready beforehand.
10. If you're too fat to walk the store without one of those ride in shopping carts you're too fat to be there.  Stay home and exercise.

It's culture shock to come back from Japan where they take pride in their personal appearance.  People actually put themselves together before they go out.   There was not a sweat pant or a baseball cap in sight.